Omg, Charlie. Well, that voice is how you know you're supposed to write. I had a reader email once and tell me when she reads other people's writing, she feels so unworthy so I wrote a piece for her. It's called On feeling unworthy as a writer. Virginia Woolf, Leo Tolstoy - their inner voices were so harsh. Kafka's was just brutal. Steinbeck's journals would break your heart. So keep writing. You bring so much honesty to the page, and that's such a rare thing. Writing is seeing, and you do
Thank you Linda. Is that essay up on your page? I’d love to read it. I’m certain those legends you mentioned are who they are because of the constant interrogation of the ideas in their heads.
It is. You know what was wonderful? After I posted it, the woman who'd written to me posted and said omg, that was me, thank you. What a nice feeling that was. I floated on that for days. It's here: https://lindac.substack.com/p/on-feeling-unworthy-as-a-writer
This inner voice of yours ... it's painful to read about.
It reminds me very, very much of the food noise that used to torment me every waking moment pre-GLP-1. Aside from the weight loss and health improvements, it's given me a quiet mind, which is priceless.
I don't have any answers for this but consider yourself seen.
You must have felt under attack. And when its coming from inside your thoughts it’s like drowning in a cave. There is nowhere to turn for air. I’m happy you found a quiet mind.
The you you are now is not the you you used to be. The you you will become will be different than now. Tell your inner voice to take a vacation... to Tibet. And my inner voice will buy him a beer, and explain, "I do not have the amulet". That will keep your inner voice busy and out of the way.
I wish I you could see them as I walk from my room to the kitchen every morning. They are somehow connected together and constantly slipping over and under each other. The image I have all the time is of eels, because it’s not just in two dimensions, x and y, they some how add in the z as they barrel roll over each and move forward at the same time.
The fight is within. Watching someone else articulate it with frightening precision is almost cathartic. You managed to capture yours on digital paper!
Granted I don't drink, I'm not a lawyer, and my house is nonstop Nascar level chaos, but the imp is there, always. He mocks, taunts, and tortures by degrees very much the way yours does.
Just don't give him a name. Whatever your do, don't. He's a dark mirror in the midnight lake, and he can't enter your house. He's at the window and around the garden fence, just outside the edges of your mind.
And like others have said here, he's wrong. That's the beauty of it.
I love how you drew us all with so many amazing percussive paragraphs of the things and sounds that make up your world. It's so universal and relatable because it's so specific. It's also such a beautifully vulnerable peek into another creative's brain and heart. Thank you for inviting us in.
I know you are deep into film, so I thought I’d mention that my thought when doing some of that was the Edgar Wright style where he slam cuts a series of micro-moments to show how we got from A to B. A montage, but very abrupt and, as you say, percussive!
Thank you! I’m not sure why, but I usually see the idea as pictures before I think of them as words.
Maybe this is the way it works for everyone, but I feel my thought process has been heavily influenced by people like Wright, David Lynch, Kathryn Bigelow, Tim Burton, and Sofia Coppola. Probably Guillermo Del Toro and Julie Taymor too.
I’ve been trying to convince my daughter to head toward film school for years! No dice. Psych major!
I wasn't a film major, self taught. I want to see a film made by a psych major!
I'm leaning more into writing after decades in still photography and film. (I'll share more in upcoming posts, but a series of health challenges has made the physical practice of filmmaking more difficult). I only ever really wrote screenplays before, so thinking of writing prose and poetry cinematically feels very natural to me.
Thanks for the reminder to lean into cinematic writing when I'm feeling writer's block and impostery :)
I want to see that too. And I look forward to seeing more writing from you! I think I saw one go up recently but haven’t read it yet. I’m glad you’re pivoting to make sure you still have somewhere to express yourself.
The lunch section. Reading someone else's beautiful essay and feeling the walls close in. The specific flavour of comparison, not jealousy but something heavier, I felt that. I am glad i pushed through the dog bits. This was magnificent.
This is great! I’m going to save that and read it. We’re like a pet store in our house—dogs, cats, a tortoise. The fish are gone and so are the hamsters, as the kids are older.
I draw, but not with any particular skill. I used to paint, same thing. Though I’m not sure if of that really matters, as it’s all pretty much for me anyway!
I found tuning out the noise professionally was always easier as well. That could be a subject to explore at another time.
My transition was assisted by my retirement, so I do not have the distractions of work.
I call myself a storyteller because I write about experiences from my life, so my voice of negativity cannot attack my writing and I have lots of material.
I encourage you to keep writing as you are good and find subjects (plural not suggesting a niche).
Thank you. I'm going to follow along with your stories. I just saw one titled Grampy Camp, and I am eager to read it later today. I look forward to being a grandpa someday and the idea of having my grandkids at my house for the summer or over breaks is something I day dream about!
That's one thing I missed and envy my sister and friends who have grandkids living close by. I hope you get to have that. This essay disturbs me on a certain level.
I told Nancy you wouldn't like it. She hasn't read it yet, and she probably won't like it either. But I've always had a little guy on my shoulder telling me I wasn't enough. I was fortunate to have had you and dad who helped back that demon down and taught me to believe in myself more than him.
But sometimes, he can be loud and obnoxious. Usually, it just drives me to work harder. Sometimes it's less productive.
Don't worry though. I am OK. How could I not be? Look who helped me to figure out the world!
Thank you John. I’m usually good at tuning the noise out, especially professionally. I hope to get better at it in my creative life. Looks like you took a pivot from the world of suits as well. How have you found the transition works for you?
Oh Charlie, this really touched me. You write with such honesty and clarity and it's so hard to do that. It must have taken a lot of courage. I struggle sometimes even to scribble my heart out in my rough sketchbook between doodles and here you are showing us all just what it's like, so we can say oh god, yes, that's just how it feels. On days when it hits like that it's a wonder we don't go mad. But you are such a writer! There are phrases that I just love - 'Excitement has no steering wheel'! How good is that! You write about your dogs the way I do my best drawings in sketchbooks, just a pure conduit of life, and joy. That's what matters. The dog parts were such a perfect balance to the conversation with yourself. So well crafted. I loved it.
Deborah, thank you. That’s so kind of you to say. I’m not sure I could ever capture life as you do in your sketchbook though! You have a rare skill.
And my dogs. Man those dogs. All I have to do is watch them. They are inspiration on four legs. There is no greater expression of pure emotion than these two lovable mutts. They are deep in my heart, and they are the counterpoint to any day that gets too heavy. All I have to do is sit on the floor and I am flooded with all the love they have, which is considerable.
Omg, Charlie. Well, that voice is how you know you're supposed to write. I had a reader email once and tell me when she reads other people's writing, she feels so unworthy so I wrote a piece for her. It's called On feeling unworthy as a writer. Virginia Woolf, Leo Tolstoy - their inner voices were so harsh. Kafka's was just brutal. Steinbeck's journals would break your heart. So keep writing. You bring so much honesty to the page, and that's such a rare thing. Writing is seeing, and you do
Thank you Linda. Is that essay up on your page? I’d love to read it. I’m certain those legends you mentioned are who they are because of the constant interrogation of the ideas in their heads.
It is. You know what was wonderful? After I posted it, the woman who'd written to me posted and said omg, that was me, thank you. What a nice feeling that was. I floated on that for days. It's here: https://lindac.substack.com/p/on-feeling-unworthy-as-a-writer
Lovely words, Charlie. The inner struggle is real. You're a good writer and the voice is wrong.
Thank you. Thank you for saying that and for reading.
As always, this is awesome. That voice needs to go fuck himself though :)
He does. And he knows it!
This inner voice of yours ... it's painful to read about.
It reminds me very, very much of the food noise that used to torment me every waking moment pre-GLP-1. Aside from the weight loss and health improvements, it's given me a quiet mind, which is priceless.
I don't have any answers for this but consider yourself seen.
You must have felt under attack. And when its coming from inside your thoughts it’s like drowning in a cave. There is nowhere to turn for air. I’m happy you found a quiet mind.
Any thank you for what you said above. It helps.
Glad to hear it
The you you are now is not the you you used to be. The you you will become will be different than now. Tell your inner voice to take a vacation... to Tibet. And my inner voice will buy him a beer, and explain, "I do not have the amulet". That will keep your inner voice busy and out of the way.
I can do this.
Woah, I think you’ve just personified everyone’s inner critic. This gave me chills. Loved it.
Thank you. That bastard just won’t shut up these days!
Oh my, how relatable. I adore the imagery of your dogs in bed and their slow wake. "Excitement has no steering wheel!" Simply lovely.
I wish I you could see them as I walk from my room to the kitchen every morning. They are somehow connected together and constantly slipping over and under each other. The image I have all the time is of eels, because it’s not just in two dimensions, x and y, they some how add in the z as they barrel roll over each and move forward at the same time.
That’s the perfect image - like eels. LOL. Bless them.
The fight is within. Watching someone else articulate it with frightening precision is almost cathartic. You managed to capture yours on digital paper!
Granted I don't drink, I'm not a lawyer, and my house is nonstop Nascar level chaos, but the imp is there, always. He mocks, taunts, and tortures by degrees very much the way yours does.
Just don't give him a name. Whatever your do, don't. He's a dark mirror in the midnight lake, and he can't enter your house. He's at the window and around the garden fence, just outside the edges of your mind.
And like others have said here, he's wrong. That's the beauty of it.
That POS gets around. I’m definitely not giving him a name. Like Nasferatu, I’d rather keep him floating outside the window if possible.
I love how you drew us all with so many amazing percussive paragraphs of the things and sounds that make up your world. It's so universal and relatable because it's so specific. It's also such a beautifully vulnerable peek into another creative's brain and heart. Thank you for inviting us in.
I know you are deep into film, so I thought I’d mention that my thought when doing some of that was the Edgar Wright style where he slam cuts a series of micro-moments to show how we got from A to B. A montage, but very abrupt and, as you say, percussive!
And thank you for reading and the compliment!
Oh yes, your piece totally has a cinematic slam cut feel. Love the energy it brings.
Thank you! I’m not sure why, but I usually see the idea as pictures before I think of them as words.
Maybe this is the way it works for everyone, but I feel my thought process has been heavily influenced by people like Wright, David Lynch, Kathryn Bigelow, Tim Burton, and Sofia Coppola. Probably Guillermo Del Toro and Julie Taymor too.
I’ve been trying to convince my daughter to head toward film school for years! No dice. Psych major!
I wasn't a film major, self taught. I want to see a film made by a psych major!
I'm leaning more into writing after decades in still photography and film. (I'll share more in upcoming posts, but a series of health challenges has made the physical practice of filmmaking more difficult). I only ever really wrote screenplays before, so thinking of writing prose and poetry cinematically feels very natural to me.
Thanks for the reminder to lean into cinematic writing when I'm feeling writer's block and impostery :)
I want to see that too. And I look forward to seeing more writing from you! I think I saw one go up recently but haven’t read it yet. I’m glad you’re pivoting to make sure you still have somewhere to express yourself.
The lunch section. Reading someone else's beautiful essay and feeling the walls close in. The specific flavour of comparison, not jealousy but something heavier, I felt that. I am glad i pushed through the dog bits. This was magnificent.
You didn’t like the dog bits, eh? I think that’s my own personal issue. :)
Maybe I was trying to be light hearted and facetious, maybe I was trying to plug my article 😁 https://tsunimee.substack.com/p/i-dont-like-dogs-i-am-not-a-red-flag
This is great! I’m going to save that and read it. We’re like a pet store in our house—dogs, cats, a tortoise. The fish are gone and so are the hamsters, as the kids are older.
Sounds a lovely household. Do you draw/paint too? ☺️
I draw, but not with any particular skill. I used to paint, same thing. Though I’m not sure if of that really matters, as it’s all pretty much for me anyway!
Yep, I can relate to a lot of this!
We’re all probably going through this routine. It’s why we need more empathy in the world.
Amen to that.
Yep - those killer inner voices - thanks for sharing x
Either way I find it bloody exhausting sometimes !
Absolutely. I find that if I can get to sleep, it’s usually better the next day. Not always, but nearly almost always.
Yes! 💯
Sometimes it’s motivation. Sometimes it’s erosion.
This is well written, and I can feel the challenge you face. Keep writing!
Charlie,
I found tuning out the noise professionally was always easier as well. That could be a subject to explore at another time.
My transition was assisted by my retirement, so I do not have the distractions of work.
I call myself a storyteller because I write about experiences from my life, so my voice of negativity cannot attack my writing and I have lots of material.
I encourage you to keep writing as you are good and find subjects (plural not suggesting a niche).
Thanks for response,
John
Thank you. I'm going to follow along with your stories. I just saw one titled Grampy Camp, and I am eager to read it later today. I look forward to being a grandpa someday and the idea of having my grandkids at my house for the summer or over breaks is something I day dream about!
That's one thing I missed and envy my sister and friends who have grandkids living close by. I hope you get to have that. This essay disturbs me on a certain level.
I told Nancy you wouldn't like it. She hasn't read it yet, and she probably won't like it either. But I've always had a little guy on my shoulder telling me I wasn't enough. I was fortunate to have had you and dad who helped back that demon down and taught me to believe in myself more than him.
But sometimes, he can be loud and obnoxious. Usually, it just drives me to work harder. Sometimes it's less productive.
Don't worry though. I am OK. How could I not be? Look who helped me to figure out the world!
You just send that guy packing. You have always been a special person. Keep on writing. I know many people look forward to your insight. I know I do.
This is what I mean. I’ve got a fighter on my side!
Thank you John. I’m usually good at tuning the noise out, especially professionally. I hope to get better at it in my creative life. Looks like you took a pivot from the world of suits as well. How have you found the transition works for you?
Oh Charlie, this really touched me. You write with such honesty and clarity and it's so hard to do that. It must have taken a lot of courage. I struggle sometimes even to scribble my heart out in my rough sketchbook between doodles and here you are showing us all just what it's like, so we can say oh god, yes, that's just how it feels. On days when it hits like that it's a wonder we don't go mad. But you are such a writer! There are phrases that I just love - 'Excitement has no steering wheel'! How good is that! You write about your dogs the way I do my best drawings in sketchbooks, just a pure conduit of life, and joy. That's what matters. The dog parts were such a perfect balance to the conversation with yourself. So well crafted. I loved it.
Deborah, thank you. That’s so kind of you to say. I’m not sure I could ever capture life as you do in your sketchbook though! You have a rare skill.
And my dogs. Man those dogs. All I have to do is watch them. They are inspiration on four legs. There is no greater expression of pure emotion than these two lovable mutts. They are deep in my heart, and they are the counterpoint to any day that gets too heavy. All I have to do is sit on the floor and I am flooded with all the love they have, which is considerable.